New Year, New Me

I am learning. Lots of new things about me and myself, for me, myself and my family. I have not really been very personal on here. I have not shared many of the situations that have been going on in my life, but because I gave up on writing in a diary since I was like 16 or something, I have come to consider my blog my personal journal of sorts. So I feel it is only fair to myself to put my thoughts down in writing so I may come back someday and say "hey, look how far you have come" . Because in all honesty, I feel like I can already see some progress.

I cannot tell you how liberating it was for me to say that 2009 was over, or the whole 2000's for that matter! A new year a new decade, how much more of a clean slate do I need? And to top it off, this year I enter my 40's! I am saying goodbye to my 30's. I have so many friends who tell me that their 40's have been wonderful. I can't see into the future or anything but I do know that my 40's should be a time in my life where I am more settled into my marriage, my family, my priorities and my friendships, I can enjoy them more now, I am not trying to "figure" everything out, I pretty much know how our life works, who my dear friends are, have a sense of who I am and my style, and have completed our family. My 30's were spent creating a haven of a home for us, many gallons of paint later, I know what it takes to make my loved ones feel comfy and loved, ( it doesn't involve a paint chip and a roller I know that for sure!). We were struggling with having another child, after many years we decided to adopt Myah, our family finally felt complete and that nagging voice inside my head (and uterus) was quieted. Our family lost so many loved ones in my 30's that I actually stopped counting. Life had to take many new turns and it was not easy. Mark and I dealt with everything in stride but it took its toll. We have shared many heartaches together that have only made us stronger as a couple. Even though we had a rough 10 years, I thought 2009 would kill me. After my Dad passed away in January I was a mess. Worried about my mom, my sister, son, Grandpa etc.... I put my needs last like I always have. But you can only cover your wounds for so long before they start to get infected. I became infected alright. I had some womanly problems that led me to being severely anemic. I actually went to the ER one day because I could not see without seeing spots everywhere. I was scared to death, first they thought it was my heart, so I went through tests for that and thankfully everything was alright. Then I was sent to a wonderful gynecologist who gave me every test she could think of and finally gave me some answers and some medication to help. I started to feel better. Then I started having severe stomach problems. I spent the better part of a month laying in bed, on the couch, not eating, lethargic, nauseous and depressed. This was my second bout with these episodes this year. It was shortly after my Grandma passed away, I really think it was stress. I could not be strong anymore for anyone. I was sick, worried, sad, depressed and lonely. Words that I had never used to describe myself before. I cannot tell you how much my hubby helped me through this time. I could not stand to be away from him, I would get paranoid thinking about him being gone to work and me getting sick again. I would look forward to getting up in the morning at 5:30 to take Dayton to school, I had to focus on the tasks at hand to get through the day. As long as I had a purpose I was ok. I could not get rid of the mumble jumble in my head. I finally went to the Dr. and told him that I needed something for my stomach and for depression. He assured me that after all I had been through this year, it was normal for me to feel this way. It was not normal for ME. I am a happy go lucky person, I am goofy, witty and fun. I can make light of most situations. Not this time. I knew I needed something to clear my mind. He gave me a few prescriptions and I cannot begin to tell you how much better I felt.....immediately! He told me I have IBS, that is what is causing my stomach to act the way it does, I am not one who likes to take any kind of meds but I knew myself well enough to know I could not fight this on my own. I used to pray so hard to God to help me through this. I truly believe He sent this new Dr. into my life. I told the Dr. myself after my 6 week check-up that he saved me. I have a whole new diet to follow, I can no longer eat dairy (some but no milk or ice cream which I love!), I no longer eat fast food at all, no soft drinks, mostly just water, Sobee and juices. Hardly any sweets or chocolates, no lettuce (that was a hard one to let go), no pizza, basically everything I loved had to go bye bye so that I could feel better. I can honestly say I don't miss it. I was willing to do anything in order to feel better. I was so excited to have the holidays arrive, it really gave me something to focus on and celebrate. I feel so much better now, like a new woman. And the very exciting part that I never expected was that I have lost weight. Almost 20 pounds now, and it feels wonderful! I went to a party the other night and my friend hardly recognized me! Now I am not so sure that I look that different but she sure thought so and the positive comments I hear are so encouraging. At least there is a bright side to getting sick and not eating anything you love ever again. Ieven fit into the skinny jeans that were always in the back of my closet. I really need a shopping trip! And the best part is that my mind is clear for the first time in a long time, I can laugh like I used to, I love deeply, and I am happy. As a matter of fact, Mark and I are more completely and madly in love with each other than we ever have been. He is my rock and he even told me that he loves me almost too much. I am blessed beyond measure. We have always been close and in love but I really think getting through this past year and seeing all the heartache and sickness really brought us to a new level of love for each other. And my relationship with my children is better than ever. Yes they are still the obstinate teenager and the testing toddler but I able to deal with them in a more loving and compassionate way. I love them dearly and I want them to remember me as a loving mother someday, not the mom who always yelled and found fault.

I am so excited for my 40's actually, I can hardly wait to see what they bring. Dayton will have proms, graduate, go to college, maybe find true love, and become a man. Myah will start school, meet friends, become a teenager and become a young woman. Will she ask about her younger years and wonder "why", or will she be thankful? Mark will retire, start that chapter of his life, maybe teach at a college or be a groundsperson at a golf course, what ever he chooses, he deserves, he sure has worked hard for our family, hopefully we can travel and enjoy each other for a change. And me... well, it is really hard to say. I have been taking a photography class and would love to pursue that even more, I would love for that to be my career someday. We'll see. I am just praying that I stay healthy and can enjoy every moment to the best of my ability. I would love to be able to spend more time with my mom, I have so much to show her! I want to be a better cook, a better friend, more organized, more creative and more adventurous. I took these two pictures for my class assignment today. One is just fine the way it is, but the other one has had some tweaking done to it. Both are beautiful in their own way. Kind of like how I feel right now. I was ok the way I was but now I am better after a bit of tweaking. I think we all need to be tweaked every now and then. Whether spiritually, physically or mentally, how can you be improved? It has been a huge challenge for me but I am finally in a good place, I cannot wait to see what the future holds. Welcome 2010!!!! Bring it on!!!